Helpless

I'm helpless.  I've done all the calling, double-checking, follow-ups, etc I can do on this current case we're working on.  After receiving a few more details re: the birth mother & the baby, I was able to call those in to the AZ Child Protective Services to add to the info I already knew.  I made the lady go over in detail, twice, what I could now to keep this going forward.

• She is going to send an e-mail to another person in the department.  They will research to see if there is even an open case on this child(ren).
• If there is an open case, they will place a note on their file saying that we have called & shown an interest in adopting this child(ren).
• They will then see if a family member or the current foster family has any interest in adopting the child(ren).
• If not, then the case manager will contact us to begin proceedings for us to move forward with an adoption.
• Since we're out-of-state, we would have to have to travel to Phoenix to have a face-to-face meeting with the child to see if the child bonds with Jonathan & me & visa versa.
• Depending on certain details of the case, we may have a longer 'trial period' in which we would have temporary custody of the child(ren) for a few days, again testing to see if a bond is able to be formed.
• If all of the above works out, then the adoption process could start to become final, & the child(ren) would be permanently released to us, their new parents.

Seems like a lot of things that have to swing in our favor, right?  I know.  I feel pretty helpless beginning with Step 1-wait to see if anybody calls us.  We won't be notified at all if things end up going a different direction & we're out of the picture.  We'll only be notified if we ARE in the picture.  For those of you who know me, I REALLY DO NOT LIKE talking on the phone.  That being said, I have NEVER BEEN SO ANXIOUS for my cell phone to ring.  How in the world am I supposed to cope for the next several days or weeks while I wait for my phone to ring to tell me that we're in consideration to be parents again?

Lame Duck

Have you ever found yourself waiting 'patiently' for something, knowing that the progress of your situation is at the mercy of a 3rd person?  Tell me about it.  Since we've been made aware of this adoption opportunity in Arizona, I've been carrying on with day-to-day life on the outside, but screaming on the inside as I've gone 9 days with not a word from that 3rd person.  I'd be thankful for even the word that there's no new news to report at this time.  I hate the thought that, if in fact these are our 2 kids out in Arizona, they are being forced to spend day after day without being HOME with their forever family because mommy can't move the situation forward because I have no idea where things at.

So what does a mommy do when she can no longer stand being separated from her possible babies?  She cuts out the 3rd person & blindly starts searching on her own, of course!  Yep.  This momma would not stand for being left in the dark any longer.  I found a phone # on the State of Arizona Child Protective Services website & called it.  After giving a brief description of the situation to the lady on the phone, she directed me to the correct people to talk to.  I'd like to say I have more news on the situation after those phone calls yesterday, but I do not.  I had to leave a voice message for the correct ladies, giving them a brief description of the situation, a little about our family, & my cell phone #, pleading with them to call me ANYTIME!!!  So here I am again - sitting like a lame duck in the dark, waiting for the light of dawn, or for some gracious person to put me out of my misery.  Even in my blackest night, I am not alone.  How does anybody do this without Jesus at their side?!

Navigating the Emotions of Another "Nibble"

We were recently contacted by a member of my mom's & dad's church in Arizona about a possible adoption opportunity.  It's the dream opportunity for us...a 16 month old girl & her 5 day old brother.  The mother is incarcerated & requested that this church member find a good family for her children.  Because mom & dad have shared our story & have requested prayer as we wait on God's timing, this church member knew of our story & stopped me to ask if we'd be interested.  Of course, Jonathan & I said 'yes'.  But that does bring to light a few other 'stressers' as we call them.  Additional childcare costs, diaper & formula costs, adjusting to being a family of 5 from being a family of 3, sleepless nights as parents of a newborn, etc.  We believe that adopting these children would be SOOO worth it, regardless of the 'stressers' it would bring.  Please, please, please join us & our families as we lift these 2 children up in prayer as they wait to be placed with their forever family (which we hope will be us).  If it is not God's will for us to have these children, we pray that He will grant us peace as we release our grip on this situation & continue to wait for the kids that will be ours...someday.

Waiting Game

We haven't really been in the adoption process THAT long, but we HAVE been waiting for child #2 for quite a while now.  I guess since we've had our first "nibble" (as a fellow adoptive mother friend calls it), I've gotten a bit more antsy.  I think to myself "If that opportunity came to us so quickly when we hadn't even put the word out there that we were actively seeking to adopt, it shouldn't be too much longer before the next opportunity comes around now that most of our friends/family KNOW we're seeking to adopt."  Allowing myself to think that way, even if it's only occasionally, makes the waiting that much more difficult.  Jonathan & I desperately want to expand our family; Talen DESPERATELY wants a live-in playmate to play with her & a sibling to blame things on (lol!); our parents & siblings are also anxious to see our miracle arrive.

Probably the decision I wrestle with most right now is whether to continue our efforts at seeking a private adoption or go ahead & fork out the $5,000+ to sign up with an adoption agency to hopefully speed things along.  Dollar signs have already been swimming around my brain as we get further along in the process, so an additional $5,000 out-of-pocket does not sound awesome at all.  For example: we were made aware of a Facebook post that a friend of ours shared about an upcoming baby to be born that still has yet to be matched with an adoptive family.  After digging a little deeper into the situation, the post originated from an adoption agency out in Indiana.  Come to find out there are a few babies being born this summer that have yet to be matched with families.  But in order to be in the 'pool' of families to be considered, you would need to apply to work with the agency.  There's where that pesky $5,000 comes in to play.  But if so many birth families communicate with adoption agencies, doesn't it make sense to go ahead & sign up with an agency so that you've put yourself out there as a possible choice?  I keep going back & forth, weighing the pro's & con's of both sides.  Then I just get frustrated again that I can't just conceive my own child, of which our insurance would cover almost all of the cost.  Experience the fun of pregnancy (yes, I enjoyed every minute of being pregnant) & have it paid for ----- miss out on the birth experience & pay out the 'wazoo' just to bring our child home.  Doesn't seem fair when I think about it.  I guess my dad's famous line rings true after all....."LIFE IS NOT FAIR."  So true, dad, so true.

Back to Square One

We're back to 'square 1' you might say.  We received an e-mail yesterday from the lady that was helping orchestrate the adoption between us & the birth mother letting us know that, at this time, there is no baby for us to adopt.  Where do we go from here?  I'd like to avoid an adoption agency if possible to  keep down a good portion of the cost of an adoption.  The friend that I've been sharing with got both of her boys thru private, open adoptions, meaning they were picked by & communicated directly with the birth mother rather than thru an adoption agency.  Just to set up an account with an agency is appx $5,000, & that doesn't include the actual costs of the adoption!  I have great hope than another opportunity will come our way.  In the meantime, we'll continue plodding along with the process so that when the opportunity comes, we'll be ready.

We believe that God will be the One that brings the birth mother/family & our family together to make this adoption miracle happen, but we also know that God uses people like you & me to do His will. So if you, or somebody you know, knows of a situation in which a girl/family is looking for a loving, small-town, Christian, family to adopt their unborn child, please, please, please pass our info along to them.  I am in the finishing stages of our 'Get to Know Our Family' book, the letter from us to the birth mother/family, & the letter from our family to our future child.  I'd be happy to send copies of all 3 of these documents to you if you have somebody that would like to consider us to be their adoptive family.

I can feel it.  God's already got amazing things in the works for us!  Lord, just help us (...mainly me) to be patient as we wait for all the pieces to come together.

You Know You're in the Middle of God's Will When...

... one of your closest girlfriends pulls you aside to tell you she's pregnant with yet another child & you are whole-heartedly, 100% excited for her!  This is not a feeling I've felt in a LONG, LONG time.  Don't get me wrong; I've been excited for all of my friends & family that have told me they were expecting.  But if any of you readers have felt that feeling of reluctant excitement for that lucky person that just happens to not be you...again...you'll know what I'm talking about when I tell you I'd put on my happy face while my friend is telling me their news, then go find a quiet, secluded area to go cry my eyes out.  But today, the scene was different.  My friend told me her news, & I was able to walk away from the conversation HAPPY!  What a twist!  Unless you've been there, I can't really explain any better the relief I'm feeling right now.

No updated info to fill you in on the hopeful adoption yet.  From the last conversation I had with the friend of the pregnant woman, the 2 ladies were scheduled to see each other this coming weekend (May 11-12).  She said she'd talk with her about us then fill us in on all of the details regarding the pregnancy & the birth mother's wishes for the process.  I'll fill you in as soon as I hear anything.  Keep the prayers flowing.  We're definitely feeling them all. :)

I got to catch up with my friend from church that is in the process of waiting to be matched with their 3rd adopted child.  She & her husband's 2 boys were both gifted to them thru open adoptions.  She has helped me SO MUCH to accept & embrace the miracle of open adoption.  I love the long conversations & all the little 'catch-ups' as well.  Each time I talk to her, it only reinforces to me what a blessing & God-send it is to have an experienced 'adoption buddy' to walk with you thru the process.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, Gina, for being the open ear, heart & mouth that I need at such a time as this. :)  

One Step At a Time

In case you're wondering, this is NOT our child.  But, I AM a proud new auntie to my little niece Rylie Spruill Ellis (born April 10)!  Since the day she was born, Talen & I have only missed seeing her for 2 days.  Yep.  This auntie/cousin duo gets to love all over this little sweet pea almost every day...one of the many benefits of my sister living just a smidge off the 'headin' home from work' path.  Since I'm so proud, & I think there is no cuter baby alive on this earth, I felt the need to share her awesomeness with you all! :)

On to the topic at hand today...

I had the privilege of speaking with a lady from our church that has walked the same path that I've already walked (infertility) & am now embarking on (adoption).  If I ever questioned whether it was necessary to find a 'journey friend' to walk beside you through either of these ordeals, last night answered that question.  I know that Jesus is enough for all things, but I also believe that He gives the gift of earthly friendships to give us that extra boost of energy we need to finish out a particular task.  I NEEDED last night in order to give me the boost I needed to get over the initial overwhelming feeling about what tasks are before me in order to expand our family by means of adoption.  It was SO helpful having a person to identify with me about all the mountains & valleys of our life the past 4 years, as well as paint a picture of what my next several months or years may look like as we wait for the right baby.  The best piece of advice she gave last night: take one step at a time.  What a simple piece of advice, & yet it was just the piece of truth I needed to hear.  Anybody reading this that is struggling under the weight of a heavy burden, my advice to you is to share your story.  This person approached me after hearing the cliff notes version of my story in an e-mail.  Boy am I glad I wrote that e-mail to ask her a question!!!

Jonathan has been a SUPER partner to share the journey with, but for anybody that knows my husband (or most guys for that matter), after about 3 minutes of listening to me talk non-stop about new tips, opportunities, discoveries, completed paperwork, research, etc regarding our upcoming adoption, he's checked-out to some tropical happy place.  After dishing to him last night about all the goodies I had learned that day, I finally had to ask the question "Are you hearing me?"  It's good to ask this question occasionally in order to help me evaluate whether I've communicated to him in HIS conversation style.  The answer is almost always 'no' since I'm the "gotta tell the WHOLE story without leaving out ANY of the details" kinda girl, & he's the "get to the point" kinda guy.  After his affirmation that he DOES want to hear everything, just in a different style, I've decided on a new way to share with him my daily discoveries:  Sticky Note conversations - make a bullet-point list of all the learnings, write only what I can fit on a standard sticky note, share those things with him, then ask he'd like to hear any more detail about any of those learnings.  Do you think he'll ask for more detail from me, the queen of long stories? ;)