Riding the Coaster Back Down...Again

Remember I told you how thankful I was just to be on the upside of the roller coaster yesterday?  I'm struggling to remember how good that felt now.

One day we were back on the list, the next, we're off again.  Nobody could know this bit of information unless they had been talking with the attorney or case worker that are working on this case.  I got a return phone call from the attorney as well as the case worker assigned to these 2 kids.  Come to find out, the birth mother had another child before these 2 children we were hoping to get.  A family in California had adopted that child some time ago.  Now that these children are open for adoption, the state contacted this family first in hopes that they would agree to adopt these 2 kids & keep the 3 siblings together.  The family agreed to adopt these 2 kids & have begun proceedings to do so.  Therefore, we're completely out of the picture now.  Happy for that family, discouraged for my family.

Although an opportunity for a child is always exciting because it's proof that your story is getting out there, it doesn't change or protect you from Newton's Law of Gravity: everything that goes up must come down.  On days like this, I wish I could be sheltered from all the 'not gonna work out' opportunities until the 'this is the one' opportunity comes along.  And the selfish question I find myself asking God on days like this is "Why should any good, 2 parent, Christian family have to sit by, bide their time, & HOPE their day will come?  I ask the question, but I also already know the answer.  As my dad quoted to me TOO OFTEN throughout my childhood & teen years..."LIFE'S NOT FAIR".  Life is not fair.  There's a true statement if I've every heard one.  Just because I know the answer doesn't mean I understand it on any given day.  So on days when I have a hard day believing that I'm gonna be o.k., I fall back on my good ol' coping mechanism - telling myself & the world "everything's gonna be ok".

I'll be honest.  I believe everything IS in God's hands, & it WILL all be o.k.  However, some days I just am all out of bubbly sunshine & perky energy.  I'm tired of putting on my happy face, saying the pretty things to encourage myself & others, looking at the brights spots, & just plain making myself skip past the mad, grieving, sulking stage.  I think I'm depriving myself of this natural stage that happens, & I'm just gonna be mad for a few minutes.  So here's to giving myself the next 15 minutes to just cry, be mad, & ask God "why?".

Roller Coaster

I have SOOO many WONDERFUL friends.  I know this because I have so many people asking me what's going on in our adoption search.  Most of the time, I'm very excited to have the opportunity to share what God is doing in our lives thru the process itself, & to share our excitement of the someday child(ren) that will join our family.  There are also days that I just want to forget about the fact that we're in a very helpless situation.  Today is a day of excitement...not just of the opportunity to tell you about our future hopes, but to update you on the current developments of the Arizona children situation.

When asked by a friend the other day about where we were at with the Arizona kids, I told her that I haven't given up hope, but I've allowed my heart to become pretty much numb so that I can deal with the idea that this situation may not every come to pass.  Today is the reason I haven't given up hope on these kids yet.  I just got of the phone with the Glendale Nazarene 'Celebrate Recovery' coordinator that clued us in on this situation in the first place.  She had just gotten off the phone with a person that was asking her to consider adopting the 2 children.  She said she was not interested, but that she knew of a family that WAS interested.  This triggered her to go ahead & make a few phone calls on our behalf since she may have a bit more info than we do.  One fact has been confirmed: both the biological mother & father both have had their rights severed due to the length of each of their jail sentences.  According to the AZ CPS (child protective services) rep I spoke with a few weeks ago, the next person(s) for consideration for adoption is the foster families that are currently keeping each of the children, then we are next in line for consideration based on the fact that we called & showed a true interest.  This is where I don't have facts yet, but according to the church coordinator, it seems neither of the foster families are wanting to adopt the children.  She's calling CPS today to see what she can find out about each of the kid's case, then let me know whatever she finds out.

My hope & anxiousness are both back up at sky high levels.  This is both super good, but can be bad if the situation goes south again.  It's like being on the world's largest, most intense roller coaster.  For today, I'm thankful that I'm on the up side of the ride rather than the down side of the valley.