Inspiring story that informs the public of the need for adoptive families for children affected by drug abuse.
To view video interview, Click Here.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Riding the Coaster Back Down...Again
Remember I told you how thankful I was just to be on the upside of the roller coaster yesterday? I'm struggling to remember how good that felt now.
One day we were back on the list, the next, we're off again. Nobody could know this bit of information unless they had been talking with the attorney or case worker that are working on this case. I got a return phone call from the attorney as well as the case worker assigned to these 2 kids. Come to find out, the birth mother had another child before these 2 children we were hoping to get. A family in California had adopted that child some time ago. Now that these children are open for adoption, the state contacted this family first in hopes that they would agree to adopt these 2 kids & keep the 3 siblings together. The family agreed to adopt these 2 kids & have begun proceedings to do so. Therefore, we're completely out of the picture now. Happy for that family, discouraged for my family.
Although an opportunity for a child is always exciting because it's proof that your story is getting out there, it doesn't change or protect you from Newton's Law of Gravity: everything that goes up must come down. On days like this, I wish I could be sheltered from all the 'not gonna work out' opportunities until the 'this is the one' opportunity comes along. And the selfish question I find myself asking God on days like this is "Why should any good, 2 parent, Christian family have to sit by, bide their time, & HOPE their day will come? I ask the question, but I also already know the answer. As my dad quoted to me TOO OFTEN throughout my childhood & teen years..."LIFE'S NOT FAIR". Life is not fair. There's a true statement if I've every heard one. Just because I know the answer doesn't mean I understand it on any given day. So on days when I have a hard day believing that I'm gonna be o.k., I fall back on my good ol' coping mechanism - telling myself & the world "everything's gonna be ok".
I'll be honest. I believe everything IS in God's hands, & it WILL all be o.k. However, some days I just am all out of bubbly sunshine & perky energy. I'm tired of putting on my happy face, saying the pretty things to encourage myself & others, looking at the brights spots, & just plain making myself skip past the mad, grieving, sulking stage. I think I'm depriving myself of this natural stage that happens, & I'm just gonna be mad for a few minutes. So here's to giving myself the next 15 minutes to just cry, be mad, & ask God "why?".
One day we were back on the list, the next, we're off again. Nobody could know this bit of information unless they had been talking with the attorney or case worker that are working on this case. I got a return phone call from the attorney as well as the case worker assigned to these 2 kids. Come to find out, the birth mother had another child before these 2 children we were hoping to get. A family in California had adopted that child some time ago. Now that these children are open for adoption, the state contacted this family first in hopes that they would agree to adopt these 2 kids & keep the 3 siblings together. The family agreed to adopt these 2 kids & have begun proceedings to do so. Therefore, we're completely out of the picture now. Happy for that family, discouraged for my family.
Although an opportunity for a child is always exciting because it's proof that your story is getting out there, it doesn't change or protect you from Newton's Law of Gravity: everything that goes up must come down. On days like this, I wish I could be sheltered from all the 'not gonna work out' opportunities until the 'this is the one' opportunity comes along. And the selfish question I find myself asking God on days like this is "Why should any good, 2 parent, Christian family have to sit by, bide their time, & HOPE their day will come? I ask the question, but I also already know the answer. As my dad quoted to me TOO OFTEN throughout my childhood & teen years..."LIFE'S NOT FAIR". Life is not fair. There's a true statement if I've every heard one. Just because I know the answer doesn't mean I understand it on any given day. So on days when I have a hard day believing that I'm gonna be o.k., I fall back on my good ol' coping mechanism - telling myself & the world "everything's gonna be ok".
I'll be honest. I believe everything IS in God's hands, & it WILL all be o.k. However, some days I just am all out of bubbly sunshine & perky energy. I'm tired of putting on my happy face, saying the pretty things to encourage myself & others, looking at the brights spots, & just plain making myself skip past the mad, grieving, sulking stage. I think I'm depriving myself of this natural stage that happens, & I'm just gonna be mad for a few minutes. So here's to giving myself the next 15 minutes to just cry, be mad, & ask God "why?".
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Roller Coaster
I have SOOO many WONDERFUL friends. I know this because I have so many people asking me what's going on in our adoption search. Most of the time, I'm very excited to have the opportunity to share what God is doing in our lives thru the process itself, & to share our excitement of the someday child(ren) that will join our family. There are also days that I just want to forget about the fact that we're in a very helpless situation. Today is a day of excitement...not just of the opportunity to tell you about our future hopes, but to update you on the current developments of the Arizona children situation.
When asked by a friend the other day about where we were at with the Arizona kids, I told her that I haven't given up hope, but I've allowed my heart to become pretty much numb so that I can deal with the idea that this situation may not every come to pass. Today is the reason I haven't given up hope on these kids yet. I just got of the phone with the Glendale Nazarene 'Celebrate Recovery' coordinator that clued us in on this situation in the first place. She had just gotten off the phone with a person that was asking her to consider adopting the 2 children. She said she was not interested, but that she knew of a family that WAS interested. This triggered her to go ahead & make a few phone calls on our behalf since she may have a bit more info than we do. One fact has been confirmed: both the biological mother & father both have had their rights severed due to the length of each of their jail sentences. According to the AZ CPS (child protective services) rep I spoke with a few weeks ago, the next person(s) for consideration for adoption is the foster families that are currently keeping each of the children, then we are next in line for consideration based on the fact that we called & showed a true interest. This is where I don't have facts yet, but according to the church coordinator, it seems neither of the foster families are wanting to adopt the children. She's calling CPS today to see what she can find out about each of the kid's case, then let me know whatever she finds out.
My hope & anxiousness are both back up at sky high levels. This is both super good, but can be bad if the situation goes south again. It's like being on the world's largest, most intense roller coaster. For today, I'm thankful that I'm on the up side of the ride rather than the down side of the valley.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Helpless
I'm helpless. I've done all the calling, double-checking, follow-ups, etc I can do on this current case we're working on. After receiving a few more details re: the birth mother & the baby, I was able to call those in to the AZ Child Protective Services to add to the info I already knew. I made the lady go over in detail, twice, what I could now to keep this going forward.
- She is going to send an e-mail to another person in the department. They will research to see if there is even an open case on this child(ren).
- If there is an open case, they will place a note on their file saying that we have called & shown an interest in adopting this child(ren).
- They will then see if a family member or the current foster family has any interest in adopting the child(ren).
- If not, then the case manager will contact us to begin proceedings for us to move forward with an adoption.
- Since we're out-of-state, we would have to have to travel to Phoenix to have a face-to-face meeting with the child to see if the child bonds with Jonathan & me & visa versa.
- Depending on certain details of the case, we may have a longer 'trial period' in which we would have temporary custody of the child(ren) for a few days, again testing to see if a bond is able to be formed.
- If all of the above works out, then the adoption process could start to become final, & the child(ren) would be permanently released to us, their new parents.
Seems like a lot of things that have to swing in our favor, right? I know. I feel pretty helpless beginning with Step 1-wait to see if anybody calls us. We won't be notified at all if things end up going a different direction & we're out of the picture. We'll only be notified if we ARE in the picture. For those of you who know me, I REALLY DO NOT LIKE talking on the phone. That being said, I have NEVER BEEN SO ANXIOUS for my cell phone to ring. How in the world am I supposed to cope for the next several days or weeks while I wait for my phone to ring to tell me that we're in consideration to be parents again?
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Lame Duck
Have you ever found yourself waiting 'patiently' for something, knowing that the progress of your situation is at the mercy of a 3rd person? Tell me about it. Since we've been made aware of this adoption opportunity in Arizona, I've been carrying on with day-to-day life on the outside, but screaming on the inside as I've gone 9 days with not a word from that 3rd person. I'd be thankful for even the word that there's no new news to report at this time. I hate the thought that, if in fact these are our 2 kids out in Arizona, they are being forced to spend day after day without being HOME with their forever family because mommy can't move the situation forward because I have no idea where things at.
So what does a mommy do when she can no longer stand being separated from her possible babies? She cuts out the 3rd person & blindly starts searching on her own, of course! Yep. This momma would not stand for being left in the dark any longer. I found a phone # on the State of Arizona Child Protective Services website & called it. After giving a brief description of the situation to the lady on the phone, she directed me to the correct people to talk to. I'd like to say I have more news on the situation after those phone calls yesterday, but I do not. I had to leave a voice message for the correct ladies, giving them a brief description of the situation, a little about our family, & my cell phone #, pleading with them to call me ANYTIME!!! So here I am again - sitting like a lame duck in the dark, waiting for the light of dawn, or for some gracious person to put me out of my misery. Even in my blackest night, I am not alone. How does anybody do this without Jesus at their side?!
So what does a mommy do when she can no longer stand being separated from her possible babies? She cuts out the 3rd person & blindly starts searching on her own, of course! Yep. This momma would not stand for being left in the dark any longer. I found a phone # on the State of Arizona Child Protective Services website & called it. After giving a brief description of the situation to the lady on the phone, she directed me to the correct people to talk to. I'd like to say I have more news on the situation after those phone calls yesterday, but I do not. I had to leave a voice message for the correct ladies, giving them a brief description of the situation, a little about our family, & my cell phone #, pleading with them to call me ANYTIME!!! So here I am again - sitting like a lame duck in the dark, waiting for the light of dawn, or for some gracious person to put me out of my misery. Even in my blackest night, I am not alone. How does anybody do this without Jesus at their side?!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Navigating the Emotions of Another "Nibble"
We were recently contacted by a member of my mom's & dad's church in Arizona about a possible adoption opportunity. It's the dream opportunity for us...a 16 month old girl & her 5 day old brother. The mother is incarcerated & requested that this church member find a good family for her children. Because mom & dad have shared our story & have requested prayer as we wait on God's timing, this church member knew of our story & stopped me to ask if we'd be interested. Of course, Jonathan & I said 'yes'. But that does bring to light a few other 'stressers' as we call them. Additional childcare costs, diaper & formula costs, adjusting to being a family of 5 from being a family of 3, sleepless nights as parents of a newborn, etc. We believe that adopting these children would be SOOO worth it, regardless of the 'stressers' it would bring. Please, please, please join us & our families as we lift these 2 children up in prayer as they wait to be placed with their forever family (which we hope will be us). If it is not God's will for us to have these children, we pray that He will grant us peace as we release our grip on this situation & continue to wait for the kids that will be ours...someday.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Waiting Game
We haven't really been in the adoption process THAT long, but we HAVE been waiting for child #2 for quite a while now. I guess since we've had our first "nibble" (as a fellow adoptive mother friend calls it), I've gotten a bit more antsy. I think to myself "If that opportunity came to us so quickly when we hadn't even put the word out there that we were actively seeking to adopt, it shouldn't be too much longer before the next opportunity comes around now that most of our friends/family KNOW we're seeking to adopt." Allowing myself to think that way, even if it's only occasionally, makes the waiting that much more difficult. Jonathan & I desperately want to expand our family; Talen DESPERATELY wants a live-in playmate to play with her & a sibling to blame things on (lol!); our parents & siblings are also anxious to see our miracle arrive.
Probably the decision I wrestle with most right now is whether to continue our efforts at seeking a private adoption or go ahead & fork out the $5,000+ to sign up with an adoption agency to hopefully speed things along. Dollar signs have already been swimming around my brain as we get further along in the process, so an additional $5,000 out-of-pocket does not sound awesome at all. For example: we were made aware of a Facebook post that a friend of ours shared about an upcoming baby to be born that still has yet to be matched with an adoptive family. After digging a little deeper into the situation, the post originated from an adoption agency out in Indiana. Come to find out there are a few babies being born this summer that have yet to be matched with families. But in order to be in the 'pool' of families to be considered, you would need to apply to work with the agency. There's where that pesky $5,000 comes in to play. But if so many birth families communicate with adoption agencies, doesn't it make sense to go ahead & sign up with an agency so that you've put yourself out there as a possible choice? I keep going back & forth, weighing the pro's & con's of both sides. Then I just get frustrated again that I can't just conceive my own child, of which our insurance would cover almost all of the cost. Experience the fun of pregnancy (yes, I enjoyed every minute of being pregnant) & have it paid for ----- miss out on the birth experience & pay out the 'wazoo' just to bring our child home. Doesn't seem fair when I think about it. I guess my dad's famous line rings true after all....."LIFE IS NOT FAIR." So true, dad, so true.
Probably the decision I wrestle with most right now is whether to continue our efforts at seeking a private adoption or go ahead & fork out the $5,000+ to sign up with an adoption agency to hopefully speed things along. Dollar signs have already been swimming around my brain as we get further along in the process, so an additional $5,000 out-of-pocket does not sound awesome at all. For example: we were made aware of a Facebook post that a friend of ours shared about an upcoming baby to be born that still has yet to be matched with an adoptive family. After digging a little deeper into the situation, the post originated from an adoption agency out in Indiana. Come to find out there are a few babies being born this summer that have yet to be matched with families. But in order to be in the 'pool' of families to be considered, you would need to apply to work with the agency. There's where that pesky $5,000 comes in to play. But if so many birth families communicate with adoption agencies, doesn't it make sense to go ahead & sign up with an agency so that you've put yourself out there as a possible choice? I keep going back & forth, weighing the pro's & con's of both sides. Then I just get frustrated again that I can't just conceive my own child, of which our insurance would cover almost all of the cost. Experience the fun of pregnancy (yes, I enjoyed every minute of being pregnant) & have it paid for ----- miss out on the birth experience & pay out the 'wazoo' just to bring our child home. Doesn't seem fair when I think about it. I guess my dad's famous line rings true after all....."LIFE IS NOT FAIR." So true, dad, so true.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Back to Square One
We're back to 'square 1' you might say. We received an e-mail yesterday from the lady that was helping orchestrate the adoption between us & the birth mother letting us know that, at this time, there is no baby for us to adopt. Where do we go from here? I'd like to avoid an adoption agency if possible to keep down a good portion of the cost of an adoption. The friend that I've been sharing with got both of her boys thru private, open adoptions, meaning they were picked by & communicated directly with the birth mother rather than thru an adoption agency. Just to set up an account with an agency is appx $5,000, & that doesn't include the actual costs of the adoption! I have great hope than another opportunity will come our way. In the meantime, we'll continue plodding along with the process so that when the opportunity comes, we'll be ready.
We believe that God will be the One that brings the birth mother/family & our family together to make this adoption miracle happen, but we also know that God uses people like you & me to do His will. So if you, or somebody you know, knows of a situation in which a girl/family is looking for a loving, small-town, Christian, family to adopt their unborn child, please, please, please pass our info along to them. I am in the finishing stages of our 'Get to Know Our Family' book, the letter from us to the birth mother/family, & the letter from our family to our future child. I'd be happy to send copies of all 3 of these documents to you if you have somebody that would like to consider us to be their adoptive family.
I can feel it. God's already got amazing things in the works for us! Lord, just help us (...mainly me) to be patient as we wait for all the pieces to come together.
We believe that God will be the One that brings the birth mother/family & our family together to make this adoption miracle happen, but we also know that God uses people like you & me to do His will. So if you, or somebody you know, knows of a situation in which a girl/family is looking for a loving, small-town, Christian, family to adopt their unborn child, please, please, please pass our info along to them. I am in the finishing stages of our 'Get to Know Our Family' book, the letter from us to the birth mother/family, & the letter from our family to our future child. I'd be happy to send copies of all 3 of these documents to you if you have somebody that would like to consider us to be their adoptive family.
I can feel it. God's already got amazing things in the works for us! Lord, just help us (...mainly me) to be patient as we wait for all the pieces to come together.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
You Know You're in the Middle of God's Will When...
... one of your closest girlfriends pulls you aside to tell you she's pregnant with yet another child & you are whole-heartedly, 100% excited for her! This is not a feeling I've felt in a LONG, LONG time. Don't get me wrong; I've been excited for all of my friends & family that have told me they were expecting. But if any of you readers have felt that feeling of reluctant excitement for that lucky person that just happens to not be you...again...you'll know what I'm talking about when I tell you I'd put on my happy face while my friend is telling me their news, then go find a quiet, secluded area to go cry my eyes out. But today, the scene was different. My friend told me her news, & I was able to walk away from the conversation HAPPY! What a twist! Unless you've been there, I can't really explain any better the relief I'm feeling right now.
No updated info to fill you in on the hopeful adoption yet. From the last conversation I had with the friend of the pregnant woman, the 2 ladies were scheduled to see each other this coming weekend (May 11-12). She said she'd talk with her about us then fill us in on all of the details regarding the pregnancy & the birth mother's wishes for the process. I'll fill you in as soon as I hear anything. Keep the prayers flowing. We're definitely feeling them all. :)
I got to catch up with my friend from church that is in the process of waiting to be matched with their 3rd adopted child. She & her husband's 2 boys were both gifted to them thru open adoptions. She has helped me SO MUCH to accept & embrace the miracle of open adoption. I love the long conversations & all the little 'catch-ups' as well. Each time I talk to her, it only reinforces to me what a blessing & God-send it is to have an experienced 'adoption buddy' to walk with you thru the process. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Gina, for being the open ear, heart & mouth that I need at such a time as this. :)
I got to catch up with my friend from church that is in the process of waiting to be matched with their 3rd adopted child. She & her husband's 2 boys were both gifted to them thru open adoptions. She has helped me SO MUCH to accept & embrace the miracle of open adoption. I love the long conversations & all the little 'catch-ups' as well. Each time I talk to her, it only reinforces to me what a blessing & God-send it is to have an experienced 'adoption buddy' to walk with you thru the process. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Gina, for being the open ear, heart & mouth that I need at such a time as this. :)
Thursday, April 25, 2013
One Step At a Time
On to the topic at hand today...
I had the privilege of speaking with a lady from our church that has walked the same path that I've already walked (infertility) & am now embarking on (adoption). If I ever questioned whether it was necessary to find a 'journey friend' to walk beside you through either of these ordeals, last night answered that question. I know that Jesus is enough for all things, but I also believe that He gives the gift of earthly friendships to give us that extra boost of energy we need to finish out a particular task. I NEEDED last night in order to give me the boost I needed to get over the initial overwhelming feeling about what tasks are before me in order to expand our family by means of adoption. It was SO helpful having a person to identify with me about all the mountains & valleys of our life the past 4 years, as well as paint a picture of what my next several months or years may look like as we wait for the right baby. The best piece of advice she gave last night: take one step at a time. What a simple piece of advice, & yet it was just the piece of truth I needed to hear. Anybody reading this that is struggling under the weight of a heavy burden, my advice to you is to share your story. This person approached me after hearing the cliff notes version of my story in an e-mail. Boy am I glad I wrote that e-mail to ask her a question!!!
Jonathan has been a SUPER partner to share the journey with, but for anybody that knows my husband (or most guys for that matter), after about 3 minutes of listening to me talk non-stop about new tips, opportunities, discoveries, completed paperwork, research, etc regarding our upcoming adoption, he's checked-out to some tropical happy place. After dishing to him last night about all the goodies I had learned that day, I finally had to ask the question "Are you hearing me?" It's good to ask this question occasionally in order to help me evaluate whether I've communicated to him in HIS conversation style. The answer is almost always 'no' since I'm the "gotta tell the WHOLE story without leaving out ANY of the details" kinda girl, & he's the "get to the point" kinda guy. After his affirmation that he DOES want to hear everything, just in a different style, I've decided on a new way to share with him my daily discoveries: Sticky Note conversations - make a bullet-point list of all the learnings, write only what I can fit on a standard sticky note, share those things with him, then ask he'd like to hear any more detail about any of those learnings. Do you think he'll ask for more detail from me, the queen of long stories? ;)
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Mommy & Daddy Are Looking for You
If you've been following our journey to this point, you know that God has closed the door for another biological child at this time. We DEFINITELY believe in miracles, & if God chooses to surprise us, we're more than excited to accept as many of them as He chooses to give us!
We've begun the process of adoption. We've received a referral for an adoption attorney that some friends of ours used & were very pleased with. Now we wait to hear back from him to set up an initial meeting to talk about the process & what his role in it would be. We've asked him for a referral on who to get a home study done thru. We may need this done quickly as we have a lead on a possible baby already!
Many of our family & friends have shared our situation with their church family, friends, & prayer groups. One of our family members was approached by a fellow church member that knows of a pregnant woman that is giving her baby up in an open adoption. We are not as familiar with the open adoption option, but have begun doing our research & contacting family members & friends that have chosen open adoptions. In the few e-mail conversations & Facebook messages I've had with some of these people so far, I have already been blessed just by building relationships with our fellow club members, the 'adoptive parents club'. Many of these people are able to relate to our infertility journey & have been willing to share their story with me...another source of blessing.
Our current lead: I was given a contact # to speak with somebody re: the situation mentioned above. After talking with her, I am cautiously optimistic of the possibility of this being our future child. As hard as it is, I really am TRYING not to get too excited at this point as we are just starting out & this process CAN take YEARS before our child comes along. Please, please, please keep our entire family in your prayers as we wait as patiently as possible for GOD'S WILL to be revealed to us in His timing.
We've begun the process of adoption. We've received a referral for an adoption attorney that some friends of ours used & were very pleased with. Now we wait to hear back from him to set up an initial meeting to talk about the process & what his role in it would be. We've asked him for a referral on who to get a home study done thru. We may need this done quickly as we have a lead on a possible baby already!
Many of our family & friends have shared our situation with their church family, friends, & prayer groups. One of our family members was approached by a fellow church member that knows of a pregnant woman that is giving her baby up in an open adoption. We are not as familiar with the open adoption option, but have begun doing our research & contacting family members & friends that have chosen open adoptions. In the few e-mail conversations & Facebook messages I've had with some of these people so far, I have already been blessed just by building relationships with our fellow club members, the 'adoptive parents club'. Many of these people are able to relate to our infertility journey & have been willing to share their story with me...another source of blessing.
Our current lead: I was given a contact # to speak with somebody re: the situation mentioned above. After talking with her, I am cautiously optimistic of the possibility of this being our future child. As hard as it is, I really am TRYING not to get too excited at this point as we are just starting out & this process CAN take YEARS before our child comes along. Please, please, please keep our entire family in your prayers as we wait as patiently as possible for GOD'S WILL to be revealed to us in His timing.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Angry - To Be, or Not To Be? That is the Question!
Today is the day. Test day. Result - negative. Seems fitting that it would be a rainy, cold, & gloomy day today, but tomorrow's forecast calls for sunny, warmer weather!
As this day has drawn closer, many well-wishing family & friends have been making it a point to text, call, e-mail, or catch me in person to hug me, tell me they're praying for me, ask me to let them know what the outcome is. All of this is great, but I have to wonder if, behind it all, they're a bit concerned about how I will react to the news if it's 'negative'. Well friends & family, wonder no more. Here's how it is for me today.
Rainy, Cold, & Gloomy - I'm a bit unique as a girl in that I react to upseting things a bit more like your typical guy. I get a bit upset, maybe even pout or brood for awhile, but overall, it's short-lived. What's the point of being angry longer than that? I've done what I could to try & fix the problem. It didn't work. Ok. Give me some time to be a little angry as I tally up all the $$$ & hours we've spent trying our best to make this happen, but with no results. I won't say I'm entitled to have this day to be angry though. Even though I know God can handle my anger, I feel like He's saying the same thing to me that He did to Jonah in Jonah 4:4 - "Is it right for you to be angry about this?" It seems that the moral of this entire scene between Jonah & God in Chapter 4 is "Is it right for me to be angry because God's bigger, better plan doesn't seem to be lining up with my small, selfish plan?" Jonah chose to stay under the emotional rain cloud & stay angry at the unexpected turn of events. Well, Jonah, I'm choosing a different path!
Sunny, Warm, & Bright - Ok, God. This is where I need You to hold me. I'm a bit weak after this recent downer-of-a-moment, but I know You're bigger than this. I know You have a WONDERFUL plan in store for my family; I just don't know what it is at the moment. But, I look forward to the day when You pull back the curtain & show us what awesome things You have in store for us! We believe adoption is one of the things behind that curtain because You've placed such a burden for this act of love on both Jonathan's & my heart. We don't quite know what form this will take - newborn baby, elementary-age child, white, black, girl, boy - but we are excited to see Your plans unfold!!! I believe You've been preparing us for this our entire marriage, & even our entire lives. We're ready! Bring it on!
As this day has drawn closer, many well-wishing family & friends have been making it a point to text, call, e-mail, or catch me in person to hug me, tell me they're praying for me, ask me to let them know what the outcome is. All of this is great, but I have to wonder if, behind it all, they're a bit concerned about how I will react to the news if it's 'negative'. Well friends & family, wonder no more. Here's how it is for me today.
Rainy, Cold, & Gloomy - I'm a bit unique as a girl in that I react to upseting things a bit more like your typical guy. I get a bit upset, maybe even pout or brood for awhile, but overall, it's short-lived. What's the point of being angry longer than that? I've done what I could to try & fix the problem. It didn't work. Ok. Give me some time to be a little angry as I tally up all the $$$ & hours we've spent trying our best to make this happen, but with no results. I won't say I'm entitled to have this day to be angry though. Even though I know God can handle my anger, I feel like He's saying the same thing to me that He did to Jonah in Jonah 4:4 - "Is it right for you to be angry about this?" It seems that the moral of this entire scene between Jonah & God in Chapter 4 is "Is it right for me to be angry because God's bigger, better plan doesn't seem to be lining up with my small, selfish plan?" Jonah chose to stay under the emotional rain cloud & stay angry at the unexpected turn of events. Well, Jonah, I'm choosing a different path!
Sunny, Warm, & Bright - Ok, God. This is where I need You to hold me. I'm a bit weak after this recent downer-of-a-moment, but I know You're bigger than this. I know You have a WONDERFUL plan in store for my family; I just don't know what it is at the moment. But, I look forward to the day when You pull back the curtain & show us what awesome things You have in store for us! We believe adoption is one of the things behind that curtain because You've placed such a burden for this act of love on both Jonathan's & my heart. We don't quite know what form this will take - newborn baby, elementary-age child, white, black, girl, boy - but we are excited to see Your plans unfold!!! I believe You've been preparing us for this our entire marriage, & even our entire lives. We're ready! Bring it on!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Worry No More
I started to text this blog entry while I was laying on the table for the required 10 minutes after the end of the IUI procedure. Apparently it is not feasable to use any characters other than lowercase letters when typing a blog entry using your phone. This is all I could get out before I became frustrated:
chillaxink
I was trying to say "Chillaxin' ", but the capital C & the ' character would not work. To finish this unfinished thought, I was doing my 10 minutes of chillaxin' before leaving the office. I make sure to bring a magazine, my phone, or some other form of entertainment to pass those 10 minutes. 10 minutes. You would think I could just sit there & stare at the ceiling in silence for that long, but that was not a characteristic God planted in me. I've always got to be doing something...unfortunately. But in this case, if I wasn't doing something to keep me busy, I'd be thinking about every little detail of what has happened so far in the infertility process as well as what MAY happen. Every scenario. Don't you just hate that? When you see or hear somebody doing that, overanalyze everything before it's even happened, you just want to search for their brain's 'off ' switch to help give them a rest. Well, since there's nobody with me at these appointments to help me do that, I have to take care of it myself.
That's a significant issue in dealing with this process - analyzing what MAY happen, or what you HOPE happens, or what you prepare yourself to ACCEPT happening. I'll admit that I still do my fair share of this, but it's gone down significantly as I continue to progress further into the process. Somewhere along the line, God opened my eyes & my heart to the real meaning of "not worrying about tomorrow". Isn't that what we're REALLY doing when we try to plan all the possible options for the future? God's given me plenty of opportunity to experience & practice differentiating between helpful planning & wasteful worrying. I'm sorry to admit that most of my time in this whole ordeal has been spent doing wasteful worrying. But after my little revelation, I've discovered first-hand that life is so much more peaceful if we allow God to do his job & just let it be at that. I do everything I can that's within my power to assist in the process, but now, I release it to God & rest in the fact that He is in charge of the outcome, knowing that His outcome will be WWAAYY better than anything I can imagine!
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING; instead, PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING. Tell God what you need, & thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's PEACE, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts & minds as you live in Christ Jesus." ~ Phillippians 4:6-7 ~
chillaxink
I was trying to say "Chillaxin' ", but the capital C & the ' character would not work. To finish this unfinished thought, I was doing my 10 minutes of chillaxin' before leaving the office. I make sure to bring a magazine, my phone, or some other form of entertainment to pass those 10 minutes. 10 minutes. You would think I could just sit there & stare at the ceiling in silence for that long, but that was not a characteristic God planted in me. I've always got to be doing something...unfortunately. But in this case, if I wasn't doing something to keep me busy, I'd be thinking about every little detail of what has happened so far in the infertility process as well as what MAY happen. Every scenario. Don't you just hate that? When you see or hear somebody doing that, overanalyze everything before it's even happened, you just want to search for their brain's 'off ' switch to help give them a rest. Well, since there's nobody with me at these appointments to help me do that, I have to take care of it myself.
That's a significant issue in dealing with this process - analyzing what MAY happen, or what you HOPE happens, or what you prepare yourself to ACCEPT happening. I'll admit that I still do my fair share of this, but it's gone down significantly as I continue to progress further into the process. Somewhere along the line, God opened my eyes & my heart to the real meaning of "not worrying about tomorrow". Isn't that what we're REALLY doing when we try to plan all the possible options for the future? God's given me plenty of opportunity to experience & practice differentiating between helpful planning & wasteful worrying. I'm sorry to admit that most of my time in this whole ordeal has been spent doing wasteful worrying. But after my little revelation, I've discovered first-hand that life is so much more peaceful if we allow God to do his job & just let it be at that. I do everything I can that's within my power to assist in the process, but now, I release it to God & rest in the fact that He is in charge of the outcome, knowing that His outcome will be WWAAYY better than anything I can imagine!
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING; instead, PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING. Tell God what you need, & thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's PEACE, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts & minds as you live in Christ Jesus." ~ Phillippians 4:6-7 ~
Monday, April 1, 2013
Glimmer of Hope
Last Wednesday's & Saturday's DR appointments seemed to shows signs of being the 'beginning of the end'. Nothing had progressed to a point that we could do anything. However, this morning's DR appointment proved otherwise. Between Saturday AM & Monday AM, my system kicked into gear. And not just enough to give us 1 egg to work with, but 2! DR Gehlbach has prescribed 1 more shot of the medication (tonight) in order to boost the eggs' size a bit more, then Tuesday night (tomorrow), I'll administer the hcg shot which tells my system it's 'go time'. Last step in the process is that I'll go in Thursday AM for the IUI. From there, it's prayer warrior time! We'll have to wait 2 weeks 'til April 18 to find out if my body accepted the IUI.
Waiting for the results last month was terrible. But this month, waiting shouldn't be as big of a deal. I say that because there is so much to keep me busy between April 4-18. I have a 5K this Saturday, April 6. The following Saturday, April 13, I'm co-hosting a baby shower for my sister Tylie & her husband Ryan. That brings me to the best time waster...my new niece! I plan to waste all kinds of time going to see Rylie! She's not here quite yet, but if she doesn't come on her own by April 9, they'll go in to be induced. So, either way, I'll have a new niece during my waiting time. :) Other than those things, I do still have taxes to get done in this time as well. I'm in crunch time, so I'll be nothing short of a crazy person 'til April 15...some may argue that April 15 does not mark the end of me being a crazy person! LOL. :)
Please continue to keep us in your prayers, especially this week. Updates on the results to come in a few weeks, whether it's positive or negative. Either way, it will mark the beginning of a new adventure for the J&T McMurray family!
Waiting for the results last month was terrible. But this month, waiting shouldn't be as big of a deal. I say that because there is so much to keep me busy between April 4-18. I have a 5K this Saturday, April 6. The following Saturday, April 13, I'm co-hosting a baby shower for my sister Tylie & her husband Ryan. That brings me to the best time waster...my new niece! I plan to waste all kinds of time going to see Rylie! She's not here quite yet, but if she doesn't come on her own by April 9, they'll go in to be induced. So, either way, I'll have a new niece during my waiting time. :) Other than those things, I do still have taxes to get done in this time as well. I'm in crunch time, so I'll be nothing short of a crazy person 'til April 15...some may argue that April 15 does not mark the end of me being a crazy person! LOL. :)
Please continue to keep us in your prayers, especially this week. Updates on the results to come in a few weeks, whether it's positive or negative. Either way, it will mark the beginning of a new adventure for the J&T McMurray family!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Expanding a Family
Have you ever heard the phrase "women have babies every day"? So have I. So if millions of babies are born every day, which would lead one to believe that it's a fairly common thing, why can't one of those babies be mine? This is my journey thru the world of infertility treatments & the adoption process.
Back in October 2008, one of those babies being born WAS mine. My husband & I have been blessed with a beautiful, energetic, 'creative' little girl named Talen (TAY-len). She continues to fill our home daily with laughter & questions. There is one question that finds its way into our conversation every night during our bedtime prayers. "Mommy, when is Jesus going to give me a baby brother or baby sister?" The human answer is "I don't know." We're working on teaching her that we need to listen to what's God's answer is. At this time, it seems that God's answer to that particular question is "Just wait to see what I have in store for you, McMurray family!"
And therein lies the struggle...knowing how to handle hearing God say "wait". What does "wait" mean?!?! I know when I heard my mom or dad say "wait" to a particular request, that meant "you may get it, you may not". Often, they knew the answer already, & they were simply waiting for the right time to reveal the answer. Somehow, the questions I was waiting for an answer for from my parents weren't nearly as pressing or stressful as the situation I find myself in now.
You see, we've been asking God for a 2nd child for quite some time now. We're in the midst of fertility treatments as I write this. Each time a new level of treatments stopped working on me, I've found peace in the fact that there was another level of stronger treatments that gave us that much more hope of it being the treatment that works. Anybody that's going thru this process knows that it's not cheap. Quite the opposite. And with each new level of treatments, the cost goes up. My husband & I agreed to draw the line at the level of treatments we're on now (shots & IUI) due to the expense of the next (& final) level of treatment (IVF). As has happened in every other treatment, my body seems to react really well to the new treatment on Round 1. But, come Round 2, my body begins to show signs of rejecting the medications, which has prompted the DR to move us on to the next level. We're on Round 2 of our last level, & today at my DR visit, it was confirmed that my body has again begun to reject the medication. Hope isn't lost...my body still may kick in & give us a shot at one more IUI. But I'm facing the realization that this may be the end of us trying for a biological child.
So what's next? Well, thank the Lord that he has instilled in both my husband & I the desire to adopt. Before we were married, we discussed the idea of kids, both biological & adopted. My husband was adopted by a wonderful family that we thank God for every day. We want to be the family to a child that his family is to him. This was in the plans regardless of whether we could have our own or not. Praise the Lord! Our hope for a family does not die with the lack of a medical miracle.
As we trek thru this emotionally, spiritually, financially, & physically draining process, please keep us & all families going thru the same thing in your prayers. My ultimate desire for sharing our journey with the world is to bring glory to God & lead others to find the same peace & hope that we know thru Christ Jesus.
Praise be to God for whatever he has in store for us!
Back in October 2008, one of those babies being born WAS mine. My husband & I have been blessed with a beautiful, energetic, 'creative' little girl named Talen (TAY-len). She continues to fill our home daily with laughter & questions. There is one question that finds its way into our conversation every night during our bedtime prayers. "Mommy, when is Jesus going to give me a baby brother or baby sister?" The human answer is "I don't know." We're working on teaching her that we need to listen to what's God's answer is. At this time, it seems that God's answer to that particular question is "Just wait to see what I have in store for you, McMurray family!"
And therein lies the struggle...knowing how to handle hearing God say "wait". What does "wait" mean?!?! I know when I heard my mom or dad say "wait" to a particular request, that meant "you may get it, you may not". Often, they knew the answer already, & they were simply waiting for the right time to reveal the answer. Somehow, the questions I was waiting for an answer for from my parents weren't nearly as pressing or stressful as the situation I find myself in now.
You see, we've been asking God for a 2nd child for quite some time now. We're in the midst of fertility treatments as I write this. Each time a new level of treatments stopped working on me, I've found peace in the fact that there was another level of stronger treatments that gave us that much more hope of it being the treatment that works. Anybody that's going thru this process knows that it's not cheap. Quite the opposite. And with each new level of treatments, the cost goes up. My husband & I agreed to draw the line at the level of treatments we're on now (shots & IUI) due to the expense of the next (& final) level of treatment (IVF). As has happened in every other treatment, my body seems to react really well to the new treatment on Round 1. But, come Round 2, my body begins to show signs of rejecting the medications, which has prompted the DR to move us on to the next level. We're on Round 2 of our last level, & today at my DR visit, it was confirmed that my body has again begun to reject the medication. Hope isn't lost...my body still may kick in & give us a shot at one more IUI. But I'm facing the realization that this may be the end of us trying for a biological child.
So what's next? Well, thank the Lord that he has instilled in both my husband & I the desire to adopt. Before we were married, we discussed the idea of kids, both biological & adopted. My husband was adopted by a wonderful family that we thank God for every day. We want to be the family to a child that his family is to him. This was in the plans regardless of whether we could have our own or not. Praise the Lord! Our hope for a family does not die with the lack of a medical miracle.
As we trek thru this emotionally, spiritually, financially, & physically draining process, please keep us & all families going thru the same thing in your prayers. My ultimate desire for sharing our journey with the world is to bring glory to God & lead others to find the same peace & hope that we know thru Christ Jesus.
Praise be to God for whatever he has in store for us!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)