God Answers Prayer

So for those who read my post from yesterday, you will know that these past few days have been a heavier load that I was prepared to bear on my own.  But, as He always does, Jesus pulled thru, & I'm thankful to say that He answered quickly.  So many times we are asked to wait for the right timing, but this time He chose to not make us wait.  So thankful for all the many prayers that were sent up on our/my behalf these past 24 hours especially.  Even though you didn't know the details, it didn't matter.  You just went right ahead & sent those prayers up anyway.  And He answered all of our prayers in a BIG way!  Because of this answer to prayer, I will sleep MUCH, MUCH more peacefully tonight.  My stomach & headache issues have already dramatically subsided, & I already feel tired (which is good, because I haven't been able to reach a point where I could actually shut my brain off enough to have a good sleep).  Nothing else to report right now.  Just wanted to say thank you to all of our prayer warriors.  THANK YOU!!!!!

Lord, I Could Sure Use a Day of Rest

That's right, folks.  I'm tired, I'm sick because I'm tired, my muscles ache, I have constant headaches.  Fellow adoptive parents...is this normal?  Or is it just because our adoption situation is 110% challenging?  I wish I could think of a better word to use other than "challenging".  I feel like the word "challenge" implies that I'm ready to conquer.  Well, I'm not.  I've had just about enough of all the so-called "challenges" of adoption.  In the 6 weeks that we've been involved in this situation, I think I've had 1-2 nights of 5+ hrs of sleep, 5 or less days that I wasn't needed by a person in our adoption team to help solve a problem, 0 days of somebody on our team helping meet one of my needs (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...the whole package), etc.  Our situation is fraught with drama from one day to the next.  All the while, I'm the one everybody is counting on to fix the problem, meeting the need, reassure the next person that everything is being done correctly, etc.  I'm happy to do all of that --- I mean, what better personality to manage those kinds of things than a controlling, momma-bear, get-r-done, OCD kinda gal?  Although the rest of our adoption teammates may not see it, I'm worn out, vulnerable, & downright done with all of this.  I just want ONE part of this process to go smoothly.  ONE!  I keep trying to tell myself that it's all going to be worth it once we hold our baby in our arms, & I know it will be.  But in the 3 weeks until that happens, how am I supposed to keep holding myself together when nobody else on the team seems to understand the importance of dotting the "i"s & crossing the "t"s?!

You know the thing that I need most right now?  Yes, prayer.  That's a given.  Believe me --- my life is just one, big walking conversation with God --- more now than it's ever been before.  That has really been great.  However, I'm in desperate need of a walking, talking, physical reflection of God on earth to hold me & tell me that they understand that things are rough, & that sucks.  I have lots of people that would do that for me if I'd just allow myself to throw away my "I'm ok" smile & let people know how I'm really feeling.  I guess it's just that "fighter" personality that just won't let me show my weakness to those around me.  If there's one person that can always see right thru my mask, it's my mom.  She's the one person that I REALLY need right now, & I can't have her.  She's 1,300+ miles away in Arizona.  Yeah, yeah.  I know she & dad are right where they are supposed to be, but that doesn't keep me from being mad that God took her away from me right at the tail-end of our journey of infertility treatments, & now she's not here during one of my darkest, most terrible times of my life!  Don't get me wrong; Jonathan is GREAT!  He's a silent, steady rock for our entire family.  But if you know him well, you'll know that he's not much for words of comfort or anything emotional for that matter.  He's DEFINITELY a valuable teammate, but sometimes a girl just really needs her mom.  I have a few other "moms" that have really been great!  Thank you for including me in your lives.  Why doesn't everybody have 5 women to call their mom!?!  Mom, Tonya, Nancy, Bobbi, Gwen.

Well, everybody wants a view into the raw heart of the adoption process.  Well, here you go.  You got one today.  No cute little pick-me-up or positive outlook lines.  Just anger, frustration, & throwing my hands up in the air.  Yeah, adoption has "these" kinds of days too.....lots of them.