Riding the Coaster Back Down...Again

Remember I told you how thankful I was just to be on the upside of the roller coaster yesterday?  I'm struggling to remember how good that felt now.

One day we were back on the list, the next, we're off again.  Nobody could know this bit of information unless they had been talking with the attorney or case worker that are working on this case.  I got a return phone call from the attorney as well as the case worker assigned to these 2 kids.  Come to find out, the birth mother had another child before these 2 children we were hoping to get.  A family in California had adopted that child some time ago.  Now that these children are open for adoption, the state contacted this family first in hopes that they would agree to adopt these 2 kids & keep the 3 siblings together.  The family agreed to adopt these 2 kids & have begun proceedings to do so.  Therefore, we're completely out of the picture now.  Happy for that family, discouraged for my family.

Although an opportunity for a child is always exciting because it's proof that your story is getting out there, it doesn't change or protect you from Newton's Law of Gravity: everything that goes up must come down.  On days like this, I wish I could be sheltered from all the 'not gonna work out' opportunities until the 'this is the one' opportunity comes along.  And the selfish question I find myself asking God on days like this is "Why should any good, 2 parent, Christian family have to sit by, bide their time, & HOPE their day will come?  I ask the question, but I also already know the answer.  As my dad quoted to me TOO OFTEN throughout my childhood & teen years..."LIFE'S NOT FAIR".  Life is not fair.  There's a true statement if I've every heard one.  Just because I know the answer doesn't mean I understand it on any given day.  So on days when I have a hard day believing that I'm gonna be o.k., I fall back on my good ol' coping mechanism - telling myself & the world "everything's gonna be ok".

I'll be honest.  I believe everything IS in God's hands, & it WILL all be o.k.  However, some days I just am all out of bubbly sunshine & perky energy.  I'm tired of putting on my happy face, saying the pretty things to encourage myself & others, looking at the brights spots, & just plain making myself skip past the mad, grieving, sulking stage.  I think I'm depriving myself of this natural stage that happens, & I'm just gonna be mad for a few minutes.  So here's to giving myself the next 15 minutes to just cry, be mad, & ask God "why?".